Frosty Pause

This morning my dog, Frosty, and I were having a conversation. I know what you’re thinking. People in the various stages of senility often hear voices or wander around nursing homes while pant less and muttering with unseen entities. I don’t think Frosty is getting senile. He’s a Golden Retriever very much like Duke, the Bush’s Baked Bean dog, so I’m not shocked that he can speak. Unlike Duke, however, I’ve never seen Frosty dress in drag. Back on point: Frosty and I were in the truck and discussing the current social/political situation in Ohio and the U.S. of A.


Frosty was rather animated about what the Scott Brown victory in Massachusetts might suggest for a “controlling government” movement. He thought a victory by a Republican in a state (actually a commonwealth) like Massachusetts was evidence that the people had finally awakened. His reasoning was that although D’s outnumbered R’s by more than three to one, the electorate has discovered that big government solutions are nearly always ineffective, inefficient and counter productive. Frosty’s vehement condemnation of big government took me by surprise.

“Frosty,” said I,” I didn’t know that you were such a vociferous opponent huge government programs. Have you always felt this way?” Frosty nodded his golden mane and replied,” I have always believed this, but the healthcare take-over really focused my senses.”

“How so?” I asked. The three and a half year old dog ( 21+ in human years) explained.

“I know all about government health care and its intrusive overreaching,” he sighed. “You know that at the shelter when they put dogs up for adoption, they insist that they be neutered before they’re released,” he explained, “that’s why I seem to be a little light in the loafers at times…government rules, bureaucratic regulations, and do-gooder intentions have severely impacted my lifestyle. My instinctive impulse to lick myself has been radically short-circuited.”

“Ah, I see,” I thoughtfully replied. “Government-run all-species health has some advantages, though, what about how it controls the cat population?” Lifting his lip in that sneering look of his, he remarked, “Cats should be controlled. They’re too lazy to go outside and do their ‘business.’ They just lie around all day while those stupid litter boxes stink up the place. Cats are already on the dole. They already get health care even though they are not productive members of critter society.”

“Cats catch rodents,” I countered. “They’re not totally useless.” He succinctly answered, “D-Con’s cheaper and doesn’t smell as bad.” Apparently Frosty and I had reached an impasse about the merits of a federal health care plan. As we left the highway and turned onto our country road…headed for home, I asked him for a sensible solution to our policy differences.

“Feedbag (he calls me, Feedbag),” he said. “President Obama is a Democrat, progressive, big-government run everything, all-the-time advocate. You, dear Feedbag, have just defended the Republican, semi-progressive, big-government run many things, most-of-the-time position. The answer is to restrain the government to its Constitutional limits. Restrict it to very few duties and responsibilities and insist on transparency and accountability. Let the citizens and the private sector handle the rest. More choices equal more freedom. More freedom yields more opportunity. More opportunity generates better living for all!”

“Wow, Frosty, that was profound,” I exclaimed! “You should run for office as a Libertarian.”

“Hey, Bonehead,” he responded. “I can’t register, and I can’t vote. It doesn’t seem fair at all. Hell, in Chicago and Philly, dead people vote. In Milwaukee and St. Louis imaginary people vote. Why can’t critters vote?”

“Not too loud,” I cautioned, “the Dems may be listening.”

As we pulled up to the barn, Frosty informed me that he was starting an organization called FLAC—Freedom Loving American Canines. He described it as an ACORN for critters. I wished him well as I unloaded the truck, but I silently dreamed that he would sell that magical bean recipe for megabucks.

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