Monday, June 27, 2011

Swifty Sez

A mere 12 generations have passed since the great Irish satirist, Jonathon Swift, used his pen to entertain and skewer the elites of his era. Today, we are fortunate to have as our guest his great……great grandson, Knotso Swift.

“Back in the day (circa 1700) when my ancestor was sharpening his quill to mock the power structure, there were approximately 600 million inhabitants on this fragile globe. Today, we have nearly 8 billion humanoids populating this precariously provisioned planet. Egad, people, stop the profligate reproduction! Cease the happy bunny-hop in the sack! No more profuse propagation of non-productive progeny preventing the planet from its purposeful potential! Stop it, say I! Unrestrained breeding and bountiful babies will be the bane of our beautiful earthly ball. Have you no shame? All these mewing mini mouths must munch too much meal while many more mark their meager hours making more munchkins. It never ends, I tell you, it never stops, but it must stop. Sure my predecessor was wrong about the past, but now is today.”

My response was”Huh?”

Professor Swift continues: “This growth of population is placing too much strain on our limited resources here in the once-proud United States of America. That’s why the President appointed me as “Government Overseer of Population” Czar.”

Me: “You are the G.O.P. Czar?’

Swifty: “Clever isn’t it. Those lame brains will be sooooo happy that the President is “reaching across the aisle” that by the time they figure it out (Ron Paul and Jim DeMint are a little worrisome), our task will be well underway.”

Me: “Just how do you propose to accomplish your nefarious scheme of massive U.S. and global population control or reduction?”

Swift: “It’s already under way. “Universal Government Healthcare” (UGH) is the first step. We can allow the sickly and the old to accelerate their expiration dates. In other words, we will select the unfit for “transformation” to “zero cellular function.”  Also, UGH will insist that all women of fertile age receive an annual anti-procreation injection. The elites or chosen ones will be injected with a placebo so that they will breed and give birth to offspring who are the best, brightest and most worthy of protection. We understand, of course, that some element of the species must be propagated to be preserved.”

Me: “Sort of like your own little Endangered Species Act for our inbred rulers, eh?”

Swiftless: “Our view is that it would lead to a brave new world.”

Me: “Hold on, Dr. Knot, Huxley has the primary grip on that little moniker.”

Swift: “Ah yes, well actually we’re calling it the “Brave Order of the New Globe. B-O-N-G.”

Me: “Uh….I’ve some liberty-loving friends and cohorts who might resent your use of that acronym. It’s very special for them, and they don’t want goons like you to destroy it.”

Swift: “Whatever. Our mission is to prove that government is the solution and the answer for all of humanity’s woes…overpopulation being the most pressing one.”

Me: “So you and your fellow masters of the murderous mandate manipulate mankind’s massive numbers to a more manageable meaningful amount. Is that how you see it?”

Swiftrod: “Why, yes, well put. We believe that...”

Me (interrupting): “What about all the advances that people have developed over the centuries to allow more people to live quality lives? At one time most humans were required to farm or hunt just to survive. Today that’s not the case. Haven’t you considered the adaptability of people while you devise your madcap schemes for “our own good?”

Swift: “True, true but now we are reaching the point of great concentration and mass of people despite our tentative efforts…”

Me (interrupting, again): “Whoa! By “tentative efforts are you referring to birth control and abortion?”

Swifty: “To a degree, but also to our efforts at expanded warfare, mutant strains of pestilence and, of course, UGH…Universal Government Healthcare. We are well underway, and we will save mankind.”

Me: “By killing most of them? Aren’t you aware that the original Jonathon Swift wrote SATIRE? His suggestion that poor babies be eaten by the wealthy was an effort to illustrate how immoral the elites are. Don’t you see that? How many genes were lost in the past 12 generations…how many brain cells have atrophied?”

Swift: “I assure you that it wasn’t satire, and we are serious.”

1 comment:

  1. I invite you to join me in the American Association to Repel Governmental Haughtiness (AARGH!)