Playing Peek-a-Boo

The recent and current furor about the overzealous activities of Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) an arm of the Homeland Security Agency has given me pause (not paws). So, we have these ultra super, high-falutin’ scanners that cannot see if you have something hidden in an orifice, but do register the dimensions and consistency of certain body parts. Hmmm. In addition, the former Director of Homeland Security (Michael Chertoff) now represents the company that provides these amazing scanners. Hmmm. The scanner operators are supposedly ensconced at a remote location so that they cannot see or be seen by the passengers. The primary purpose for this placement of the scanner controller was to “protect the privacy of the passengers.” Now we discover that nearly a hundred of the scans have been seen on the internet. Hmmm. I feel much safer now, don’t you?


If you should decide to opt out of the full-body, totally revealing scan procedure, then you may be subjected to a body “pat.” Maybe you’ll qualify for the enhanced body pat. This is a process whereby the designated TSA agent using hands and fingers explores parts of your body that neither your mother nor your spouse has ever touched. Hmmm. The official government fondling is done for your own protection. The possibility that the examining officer may rarely change his or her rubber gloves should not impact your protection or your safety for at least two weeks. Hmmm. Everyone is a potential target for the official government fondling or voyeurism, though some have more potential than others. High probability targets include good looking people, old people, nuns and especially cute children. The low probability universe includes, but is not limited to, Muslims, ugly people, armed provocateurs, Mid-Eastern explosives experts and Black Panthers carrying nightsticks while dressed in camouflage.

Some people have expressed outrage at this blatant violation of our 4th Amendment rights, and they have called for a more aggressive profiling program to identify potential miscreants before they get to the security area. They argue that if the government wasn’t so “P.C,” then the profiling procedure would render much of the present system unnecessary. Hmmm. The critics are ignoring one critical factor in the entire airport security fiasco. They do profile. Yes, indeed, they do profile. You see, if you were to opt out of the scanning and chose to undergo the enhanced body pat, and you actually smiled doing the procedure. You would be profiled as a “perv.” Two huge TSA musclemen would throw you to the floor and clamp detention bracelets on your ankles. See, the system works just like most government programs work.

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Safety first.

Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution of the United States lists many of the duties of the federal government. Among them is the requirement for protecting and defending the nation. This latest little fiasco in Detroit featuring flight 253 reveals that the feds are failing miserably in the fulfillment of their assigned Constitutional duties. While aggressively seeking to expand the reach and power of the federal government, they come up short in doing what they have been mandated to do. With the passage of the ill conceived and misnamed “Patriot Act,” Congress and the previous administration broadly and intrusively increased federal interference into our personal lives and liberty.


Remember back to the halcyon days when the Patriot Act was being promoted, and one of the critical provisions was the nationalization of the airport security apparatus. Formerly, each airline provided its own gate side security force, but Big Nanny desired to take this woefully inadequate gaggle and transform it overnight into a civil service protected inadequate gaggle. I’ve done quite a bit of air travel over the years, and I suspect that many of those TSA security “professionals” couldn’t qualify as a greeter at my local Wal-Mart.

So we have this Nigerian, Abdulmutallab, flying one way—Amsterdam to Detroit—RED FLAG. He pays cash for his $2800.00 fare. RED FLAG. He has no luggage to stow. RED FLAG. He had no valid passport. RED FLAG. He was on the “terror watch list.” SUPER, DUPER, RED FLAG. His father had reported his concern about his son’s activities some weeks earlier. TRIPLE DECKER RED FLAG. He carried incendiary material in his underwear. EXPLOSIVELY SCARY RED FLAG. Who is watching the security gate? Mr. Magoo and Stevie Wonder? How’s that Patriot Act working out for you, huh? This entire FUBAR would alarm me, but my concern has been heightened by the fact that my wife had traveled on that same flight several days earlier. She had been to Dubai on a business trip and had changed planes in Amsterdam for her last leg home.

Fortunately, an alert and resourceful Dutch engineer subdued the Nigerian nihilist. Plus, he must have pee’d on his fuse in the restroom because it failed to ignite properly. If either of those factors had not occurred, we would be discussing more than 280 dead on the plane and who knows how many on the ground. What was the initial response from Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano? “The system worked.” She later backtracked and admitted there were some flaws in security procedures. You can’t get anything past her: she’s way too smart. She’s so smart that I wish she would explain to me how the civil-service protected goobers at our gates are protecting and defending us.

The HS-TSA bifecta has already implemented some radical new measures to ensure event-free flights. For the last hour of a given flight, passengers will not be allowed to visit the restroom or to have anything on their laps. Travelers will be required to sit in the upright position with their hands placed on their laps. I bet that’ll work. Bennie the bomber has already begun to circumvent the rule makers’ latest inane restrictions. It hasn’t yet been mentioned, but given that Abdulmutallab stowed the explosive in his “Fruit of the Looms,” each of us will have to endure an undergarment check. You mother was right. Always wear clean underwear…skid marks could be mistaken for an explosive substance. Get used to the idea that you may hear the following as you check in at the airport: “O.K., drop your drawers, bend over and grab your ankles.” Of course, Big Government has been telling us that for years. Nothing new there.

As always your comments are welcome or email:  cnpearl@woh.rr.com