Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Fish Fry

Fish on Friday
Today we are featuring a little lighthearted political analysis. By using several species of North American fish we’ll attempt to describe some of the partisan players in the current political scene. On a “scale” of one to two, this column is probably a one.

Generic Identifications:
Blowfish: The prime identifier for all career politicians, aka the ruling elites.
Sucker: Universal fish-type definition for citizens who continue to support and elect career politicians.
Largemouth Bass: Identifies all politicians who covet face time and airtime, and believe that they have something worthwhile to communicate.
Grouper: A class of voter that refuses to engage in individual thought. They prefer to follow the group. They usually choose to vote for “winners” even if their candidate has no scruples, no principles or no integrity. They often are highly partisan Kool-Aid drinkers. Another class of grouper is the “swing voter.” They generally lack conviction and tend to vote en masse for the front runner.
Eel: another identifier for career politicians. Slippery and elusive could describe the eel and the pols who refuse to serve us, but want us to obey and serve them.

Republican Fish:
Jelly Fish: Do I have to explain this? Mitch McConnell, John Boehner and a host of others, too many to name. These folks have an amazing capacity for quivering when resolve is needed….for caving when commitment is necessary, and for stammering stupidly when an issue or a policy must be clearly articulated.
Flounder: Whenever a Republican encounters something that requires a principled stand, they squirm and flounder. This fish is an apt descriptor for the great GOP initiatives to restore Constitutional government, limit federal spending, and downsize the federal monstrosity. They founder, flounder and flail…only to ultimately fail.
Great White Shark: Sharks eat the little fish, and the Republicans consume their supporters. They use their energy, their money and their hopes then burn them again and again. The Great White was chosen for the GOP because African Americans routinely give 90-95% of their votes to the Democrats.
Yellow Perch: In addition to the color reference about the line down the back of most GOP politicians, the perch is where you’ll find them as they wait for public opinion to consolidate before taking a somewhat, almost gelatinous position on an issue involving principle. As they squat on their perches testing the wind and reading the polls, they continue to pronounce their amazement and dissatisfaction with how the “other party” has gone about capturing the talking points. The longer the yellow-spined GOP spends on their perches, the more irrelevant they become.

Democratic Fish:
Hammerhead Shark: This shark, too, eats the little critters, but as the name implies, is too hard headed to see reality when it appears. This species continues to consume the nation’s resources without any honest consideration for the future.
Crappie: Descriptive term for most Democrat programs. Massive spending, minimal results but with the expansion of the dependency class and the bureaucracy as primary goals. This fish can also be used to illustrate most of the rhetoric from Democrats and their leaders.
Flathead Catfish: As in the catfish that swallowed the canary. Democrats traditionally act as if they know something that the rest of us do not. Their heads are flat because they pound them against the wall of real life. Democrats are smug and stupid.
Bullhead: I feel somewhat guilty attributing this fish to Democrats alone because any non-wavering partisan could qualify. Democrats earned the honor because of their unwavering devotion to big government even as we are swimming toward disaster. I grudgingly admire their commitment, but absolutely loathe their programs and their philosophy.

Fish stink when they rot.

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