We appear to be a nation that is addicted to addiction. The magazines and tabloids at our supermarket checkouts are filled with stories about the latest celebrity to enter rehabilitation for problems associated with addiction. The panorama of addiction ranges from legal pharmaceuticals across the board through illegal substances, sex, Twinkies and spending. The difficulty with most addictive behavior is that the addiction erodes the productive ability of the junkie who needs greater resources to support the habit. It becomes a fast-paced spiral to the bottom. The cycle of destruction applies to politicians too. As they initiate more programs “for the people,” they must have larger resources to sustain them. Their insistence on micro-managing our lives undermines our productivity plus their additional programs consume larger portions of the nation’s capital which reduces our ability to generate funds for government. So, they borrow the funds to do good works for us, and saddle ours and future generations with massive debts. This attitude from our political leaders is akin to being told,” you’ll feel better when the beatings stop.”
It is obvious to me that the “spend-aholic” virus must be lurking somewhere in the Capitol building of the nation. Idealistic candidates run for office and vow to stop the profligate spending, but when their footsteps echo across the marble floors of that great building, things change. Three primary anatomical sectors of the Congress person’s body seem to be most affected by the spending virus. They are the heart, the brain and the spine. The heart is affected because the virus generates excessive bleeding whenever the legislator hears an anecdotal sob story. The resultant loss of blood causes the politician to lose all sense of proportion and demand that “something must be done” to alleviate the suffering for an indeterminate number of people.
The brain is particularly susceptible to the virus because most career politicians suffer from mental deficiencies prior to taking office so the viral effect becomes exaggerated. The little intruder attacks the cranial area and gnaws away at the resident gray matter until the brain has been reduced beyond any capacity for normal functioning. As a result, reason is lost and common sense becomes a distant memory while the politician continues to roam the halls in a semi-vegetative state. The spine is vulnerable to the virus because of its gelatinous consistency. An important element of the job description for a career politician is that the spine must be formed from Jell-O, and the virus finds the quivering mass extremely hospitable.
We should note that the “spend-aholic virus” has two distinct versions. The more basic branch affects the desire of the host organism to excessively spend his own money. The more virulent, deadly one, however, causes the recipient host to spend other people’s money. In addition, the impact on the host’s brain causes her or him to believe that their behavior is good and noble. The insidious virus cannot be medicated or irradiated, it must be surgically eliminated. The drastic surgical procedure is a three-part operation: 1) the heart must be totally bypassed because it has no cerebral capacity; 2) a full-scale lobotomy is necessary, but it is difficult because of the microscopic size of the brain; and 3) the spine must undergo a gradual transformation. First, replace the Jell-O with Pudding Pops followed by Popsicles, then pretzel rods, and finally, a titanium-steel alloy. Obviously an overhaul so dramatic requires an extensive period of rehabilitation just like any other recovery from an addiction.
Historically career politicians have resorted to booze or pills in their efforts to rehab from the spending virus. For obvious reasons those remedies have been unsuccessful. In the spirit of public service, I have decided to erect a rehab-halfway house for overspending politicians who now recognize the destructive nature of their disease. Its name shall be “Protect Our Overspending Politicians,” POOP. Given their lifestyles and the ways that they have abused our people and our nation, it seems reasonable and just for career politicians to spend the rest of their lives immersed in POOP.
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